More Thoughts on Transitions

Beyond the Traditional Five Minute Warning

Impulse Control - In the Moment

Long Day? Over-Stimulated Child? Try not to react with anger. Remember that he’s not trying to give you a hard time; he’s having the hard time. Focused, physical input and sensory feedback can calm and re-organize an overstimulated child. Find an activity that works for you and your child by learning what types of sensory input your child enjoys and benefits from. It’s like learning their sensory language. Proprioceptive Sensory Input (deep pressure) Sandwich Squeeze - make your child into a sandwich: put her on a mat or heavy blanket, “rub” mayo and mustard all over her back and legs (providing solid pressure), cover her with second mat and “squish” out the excess mustard and mayo. ** Be careful not to harm with too much of your strength. Notice her responses. When she becomes uncomfortable - stop!. Donkey kicks, wheelbarrow walking or crab crawl - not disorganized running around. The activity needs a focused space and structure. For instance, holding their hands while they jump in front of you can give them input but also keep them contained. Give him a spoonful of peanut butter - see how much focused work it takes to ‘chew’ it Push a piece of furniture or something heavy across the floor Vestibular Input (understanding the body’s place in space; balance) Spinning to music - put on some music and spin to it with your child. Carefully watch to ensure they stay balanced and do not “spin” out of control. Slower spinning can help to organize the body Rocking - If you have a rocking chair, snuggle up with your child, hold him close and rock quietly. Quiet singing or stories can be a great accompaniment. Swinging - If you have a swing set, encourage your child to go out and have a good swing. Maybe you can push him, swing next to him or just stay nearby. Other Calming Techniques Grab some cotton balls and a straw and blow them across the floor - make it a race! (Great for deep breathing) Foot massage, essential oils, music (you will have to experiment and see what genre is best), fidget toys, chewy tubes, squeezy balls for hands Sometimes you can join in the overstimulation with your child and slowly slow him down - guided de-escalation by regulating your own body. It can be tricky but also can help Use your creativity to find what works for you individual child. If you want to talk more, message me and we can set up a phone call. Remember that you cannot prescribe the sensory input your child needs. Only she can do that. Observe her response and see what works. Try different things. Something will catch. Here’s an interesting catch - the successful calming activity can sometimes counter-intuitive to what you might think; sometimes it downright makes no sense - yet it works. For example: years ago,I used to put my son (with severe ADHD) to bed, I had to turn on heavy metal music to calm him. Crazy, right? So it would seem. Yet, the music matched his fast moving brain, entraining with the cacophony of what was going inside, thereby settling him down. He was able to calm down and sleep. The only way to figure this out is to expose your child to as many activities as you can, observe and be there to guide them. Or try one of these… Find a second of fun with your child and celebrate the little moments.

 Time for Bed! Now What... Bedtime can be a time of struggle for parents and children of all ages. And it is the easiest and most predictable way for a child to exert his or her control, leading to tension and power struggles. Because of this, bedtime can be an emotionally charged situation for both parents and children. For many parents, bedtime is not the end of their day (it is, however, the end of their child’s day!). Often there are still tasks to finish or work brought home to be done. Or maybe it’s time for you to relax and unwind and/or spend time with your partner? Or, as with so many parents, maybe it’s time for you to crash as well (how many of us have fallen asleep with their child each night?). For your child, bedtime offers opportunities to experiment exerting their control and independence because it is laden with many different tasks. It is a concrete scenario in which a child can ‘just say no!’ So…. It’s 7pm, time to go upstairs and get ready for bed. You might feel your anxiety subtly build. Here we go again… THE PARENTS PART First of all, Let’s see if we can change our mindset about our approach. Is this a chore and one that’s approached with apprehension or is it something that is enjoyable (and both can be true)? While sleep is a natural process, for young children, the process of winding down and falling asleep needs to be learned. Is it possible to re-frame the event and put it into the context of a learning experience, much like that of teaching your child to tie his shoe or how to play a board game? We often teach our children other aspects of daily life with patience. Is it possible to re-frame it and look at it with the same lens? Secondly, is it possible to prepare yourself mentally or physically for the event? What would it take to maintain your composure and calm when the process takes a left turn into chaos? Or can some other tool that you use in other situations be of support here? Do you utilize aspects of mindfulness or deep breathing in other areas of your life? What works when you are faced with stress throughout your day? Thirdly, give yourself a bit of grace and take the stress of success or anxiety about chaos out of the mix. Remember that all parents struggle with this hot-button issue at some point. This is not a referendum on your parenting skills. Your neighbor across the street with those well behaved kids may be embroiled in a power struggle around teeth brushing at the same time! Can you find some compassion when you lose it and remember that there will be another chance tomorrow night? Wouldn’t you offer compassion to your friend who is reporting this same difficulty? Can you allow yourself that same support? THE CHILDREN’S PART In order to better manage this challenge (and if it goes smoothly in your household - how wonderful!), there are considerations to take into account and ways to address different elements of the process. Both your child’s and your temperament plays an important role here. Do you have a choice about who puts your child to bed? Is this a process too full of triggers for you that it makes sense to allow your partner to take this on? Or can you do it together? Determining what is the underlying reason for your child’s reluctance to turn out the light and go to sleep is important because it will change how you interpret the behavior as well as how to manage it. Is it an issue of: 1) Fear of something that goes bump in the night 2) Fear of separation; that you will go away and not return 3) A perfect opportunity to exert control 4) Over stimulation due to activities immediately prior to bedtime 5) A lack of focus due to distraction the phone or work 6) Something else - and what might that be Figuring out what is beneath the behavior can go a long way in finding ways to deal with it and an approach that could work better. ELEMENTS OF BEDTIME With all that, let’s look at the different steps involved in the bedtime process and see if anything can be tweaked to make it smoother. Break down the process into the small steps you use to prepare your child. 1) They need to come to an end of whatever activity they are engage in and shift their focus 2) They need to transition upstairs to their bedroom 3) They need to brush their teeth, wash their face, take a shower or bath (whatever hygiene you require) 4) They need to change their clothes into pajamas 5) You might include a story or reading time for older children 6) Lights out Lot’s of thing they need to do. Can anything be re-arranged? Can your child go to his room immediately following dinner to play (or read or watch something for older children) there? Can you move hygiene time earlier so that it does not immediately precede and signal bedtime? Can any of these steps be re-arranged? Or, anything be skipped? Is it non-negotiable that your child wear his pajamas to bed? Some parents find that bedtime is the time when their children want to talk about their day (“you couldn’t have told me all this at dinner when I was awake?”). It’s true that this could be a ruse to stay up later. But other times it’s because it is quiet time, they are relaxed and their mind is reviewing the days happenings. If this is the case, can you can build in time for this process each night - let it become a welcome part of the ritual? If you are ready to turn out the lights and leave and your child begins to talk, resentment can build up as it seems they are trying to manipulate you and keep you beyond the time you have allotted for this. TRICKS & TOOLS There are many tools out there, products to try, strategies to experiment with. 1) First of all, try to stay as calm and relaxed, speak quietly. As I always say, be sensitive to and aware of your tone of voice - volume, speed, tension. A quiet and soothing voice can help a child to relax. 2) Maybe they go to their bedrooms right after dinner. Play can happen in the bedroom. That take away the first challenge - getting them up to their bedroom. 3) Put your phone down and focus entirely on the process of bedtime. A distracted parent usually produces a distracted child. 4) If it is possible to develop a consistent routine, that will help children to understand the process. Parenting experts and books advocate for this and a vital step. Of course, when everybody is busy and you are taking care of multiple children, it can be tricky. Do what you can - maybe there is only one aspect of this can you can be consistent with. It’s ok. Again, try not to be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. 5) Check out books, magazines and online articles. There are lots of tips and strategies you can try. See if one fits or if you can tweak an idea to work for you. 6) There are lots of tools and products that can be helpful (white noise machine, revolving lights on the ceiling, weighted blankets, etc). Experiment and see if and what works for your child. Leave on a soft light for 30 minutes? Check out nightlights, ceiling lights, etc. 7) Sometimes music or recorded stories can help. Some guided meditations could be useful for older children. 8) How about yoga or meditation before bed? I could never swing this but maybe it’s a comfortable part of your life that you could share with your child as a tool. I would urge you not to use story time as a reward or consequence. Bedtime is too precious to use story/snuggle time as a reward or consequence. When your child is a bit older and doesn’t need as much support, a reward system might be appropriate (I will be publishing a blog about sticker charts and behavioral strategies in the near future). If you have tried several things and not found them successful, work with a coach to determine the specific needs of your child and your family. Books and articles will give great ideas. But it’s up to you to apply them in a way that works for your particular circumstances. OLDER CHILDREN Bedtime can be a challenge even when your children get older. You decide when and how much independence your child is able to handle. You don’t have to follow traditional guidelines for sleep - there are no ‘rules’ out there that work for everybody. So you can determine your own criteria. The ultimate determination of success is how they function on the amount of sleep they get. Experts easily determine how many hours of sleep each age should get. But this is only a guide and you and your child can determine what works for the family. Can they get up in the morning? Can they be pleasant (or at least not rude) in the morning? Get ready for school and stay awake throughout the day? You are the one to determine the criteria for sleep success - not the experts. Determine what is negotiable and non-negotiable and then have a conversation with you tween or teen. What seems consider reasonable and why? Can you tolerate it if your middle schooler stays up until 11 but still functions well the next day? Remember that this can be a learning opportunity - eventually they will have to make these decisions on their own. Again - Yoga? Night light? Quiet music? Recorded stories? Let’s remember…. Bedtime may be an issue right now (and for an extended period of time) but it will not be a lifetime issue. At some point, your children will learn to go to bed themselves and gain their own independence around this issue. And you will have your own time back again (and possibly miss the cuddling?).

STICKER CHARTS….. DO THEY REALLY WORK?

Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success  Amy Morin, LCSW

WHAT IS PARENT COACHING? Parent Coaching is the collaboration between a trained professional and parents to address areas of concerns related to parenting and children.

What if a spool of thread is just a spool of thread?